In the inner self of each of us lays an evil we’d rather avoid or at least not talk of. It is the evil of our fleshly desires, if left unchecked, can led to our destruction and destroy those we love. Many deny such is in them and think themselves above certain levels of sin. I know if anyone is honest with themselves, there is no sin out of reach of any of us.
I appear righteous, at least that is what I’m told, within is a man that is very corrupt, repulsive and disgusting. He is bridled by the grace of God alone. While I’ve keep myself from many sins through diligence and planning, God has kept me from many others when I was willing to indulge in them. I’m a virgin and proud I can claim such, yet in all honesty when at my weakness moments and willing to know and experience and pleasure of sex, it was God’s grace and mercy that prevented me from such. Sometimes I wonder why? Why me and not my friend or brother? Why me and not my neighbor? I don’t understand, but I’m grateful. I know only that my deepest longing, even if it requires personal loss, is to be a shining light for Christ to both Christians and the lost.
At the same time I’m plagued with undo praise and adoration for my quote righteousness. I try to tell others that I struggle as they do because in my mind, or rather my heart, I’m not a virgin at all. I allowed my flesh to reign with lustful thoughts. Yet those I speak with seem not to believe me. My imagination is like a movie. It would be comforting to blame Satan, but the truth is while he may give me the idea or the initial temptation, it is my own sinfulness when I choose to entertain it. Even if Satan did not tempt us, our flesh would.
This is a battle I believe others suffer too. That is why I’m making it know. I hope others will pray for me as I will pray for you. I hope also that they know God loves us even though we are who we are and they will not use God’s grace as an excuse to continue in sin. God knows our hearts, there’s no reason to try and hide from Him. We must accept His love, ask Him for ways to overcome, and ask Him to use His grace, divine influence, on us so we do overcome.
Meanwhile, we need to continue to push forward to do that which the Scripture tells us to do, so that God will get glory both now and when we enter eternity. Let not our pride make us think we are above certain sins or God my allow us to enter such a state to show us our true selves.