Has there ever been a time when you felt betrayed by God? A time when you thought, how could He love me and allow such a thing to happen?
I have. It all started about ten years ago. At first I didn’t feel betrayed, only that I was being tested as James talks about. I even had joy at the time. I knew God was in control and He would fix the mess I was put in. I also searched myself for sinful habits because I knew God punishes those He loves. I thought, if it’s a test, I’ll endure it with joy and if it’s punishment, I’ll deal with my sin.
As time went on and days became weeks then months and months became years, I slowly lost the joy. At first it was only once in a while, then more frequent, until the joy was gone. I had been in the same trial/test for about four years with little hope of escape, still I somehow held on each day. Somewhere between the fourth and eight year I lost even the hope. I was at a point where I blamed God for such an unreasonable trial. I felt betrayed by my Lord and Savior.
This lasted at lest two years. Oh, I still went to church, I still got joy out of helping others with their struggles, but the relationship between God and myself grew distant, even to the point that I wasn’t sure I wanted to spend eternity in heaven with a God that would do such a thing to me. Not that I wanted the alternative of hell, but I merely wanted to be non-existent.
It was not only because of what God allowed into my life, but also, during that time I really looked at the world and truly understood why unbelievers questioned the love and goodness of God. I saw the years of pain and sorrow in the world with only the moments of joy and happiness. I became angry with God for starting the whole creation in the first place. My anger turned to hostility and bitterness.
I had so wanted, when the test had started, to be like Joseph and Job; even my brother when it started would mock me saying: your not Joseph or Job. I insisted I wanted to handle it as they did. Joseph suffered for about thirteen years from his sale into slavery until his raise in power and position and Job lost his family, wealth and health, yet did not curse the Lord. I used to want to sit at the right of Jesus and proclaimed we all need to follow Christ at ALL cost. Now, as a ten-year ordeal seems to be coming to a close or at lest a momentary pause, I realized how much I’d changed.
I went from wanting to sit at the right of the Lord to not wanting to live forever, rather just fade away. I didn’t in the final count respond like either Joseph or Job, yet God was faithful to both of them in the end. That alone is the only reason I have any hope at all. God has an excellent tract record.
God knows the final chapter. He knows the whole picture from beginning to end. I merely know a piece of the puzzle. I don’t see the big picture and that requires faith. Something I’d asked God to develop in me over ten years ago and something I was not ready for when the test came.
Truly, our only hope is in the hands of our Creator. He is faithful to those He loves and to His word and it is in Him and His word we must trust. We as humans tend to talk it up big, but when the bill comes we whine even bigger.
It’s time I give the Captain back His chair, start following His orders instead of questioning them and trust with faith that His ending is better then the ending I can see at my present moment. Forgive me Lord as only you can. Of course, words are easy, living it is not. I’d be grateful for the reader’s prayers and I hope my experience might help someone in the same boat.